amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
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Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious