[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it