Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
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Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Just had my nails done!
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
In case you needed to hear it:
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
My dad is at it again
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat