[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
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Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?