[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
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“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My body is a temple
for potatoes.