I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.