Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
You Might Also Like
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
why does this building look like a guilty dog
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
And then there were 4