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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack