[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
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“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
The three genders
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Teach your children to beatbox
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.