The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
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me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.