Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
sleeping beauty
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met