If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
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My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom