Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
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A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.