A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
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*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”