ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
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“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
necessity is the mother of invention
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
How to make infinite energy.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.