Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
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I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…