Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
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Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I’m already scared
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.