In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.