I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
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Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..