my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)