We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.