People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.