*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”