doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
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I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I’m listening
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!