Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
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Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.