I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
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Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Me :
All Day At Night
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*