if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
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Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
found this cool rock hiking today
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe