me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.