Weaknesses.
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Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
A fake ID that makes you younger
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on