[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Oops
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.