bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
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*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
felt that
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*