And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
You Might Also Like
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator