Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
You Might Also Like
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Hey I worked for it too!
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
What flavor cupcake are these
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”