Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
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Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: