No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I’m giving up for Lent.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.