Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Miscakes
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.