I created you as mosquito food.
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I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.