Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
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where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.