Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other