I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
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when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
broke down and did it
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!