My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
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“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.