As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
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My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
omg leave her alone
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Milk Cube