A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
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15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Cat is stressing him out.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.