My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
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My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car