If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
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Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…