Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
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My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Saturday
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.