if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
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There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.