Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
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Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The sacred texts.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
.. do you even science?