I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.