Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
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Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Me when my alarm goes off
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father